A mummy blogging friend wrote something on Facebook recently about Welcome to Holland which I have previously blogged about here:
http://autismandallofus.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/welcome-to-holland.html
I have mixed feelings about Welcome to Holland. I didn't like it when I first read it but the pain of learning L had autism was still very raw and at that stage I don't think anything regarding autism would make me feel better. Then, in time, as the shock wore off and the pain eased I took comfort in it, and I liked the way it gently explained what it can feel like to be in my position. The part that still puts a lump in my throat is the part which talks of all the other people coming and going from Italy and talking of what a wonderful place it is and how I will always feel like Italy was where I was supposed to go. It still makes me cry when I read it because if I'm really honest, the pain of L having autism hasn't ever really went away. After almost 6 years it still hurts and I still cry about it.
It's one of the reasons I started this blog. So I could have somewhere to put my feelings and get some things out of my head. As a parent I believe the worst thing that you could probably experience is losing a child and I am in no way comparing my situation to that. But sometimes the way I feel is that I am grieving for a child. For the child who I thought we were going to have and the life we were going to have with them. All the hopes and dreams and even the type of parent I thought I would be. And as time passes it gets easier to accept and easier to live with but the pain never really goes away, because autism will never go away.
My dad commented recently about how he was worried about me, how thin I was now, how tired I looked (thanks dad!) and how I had to start taking better care of myself. He looked at a wedding picture I have in my house where I was standing with my new husband beaming for the camera. He asked me where the girl was in the picture. I replied she was gone - autism had stole her away. And that is how I feel sometimes. I'm not the person I was. I may look similar, and talk the same but the old me is gone and won't ever come back. Although the new me is maybe suffering a bit sometimes, overall it's a nicer, more kinder me in its place. Someone who views the world and life very differently now. Who really truly knows what is important - as cliche as that might sound. I've never been one for sweating the small stuff, and even more so now. And I have autism to thank for that. For opening my eyes to the real world and making me appreciate even more what I have.
And what I do have is two amazing children, who drive me to the brink sometimes but who can make me laugh and cry at the same time. A husband who is supportive of me and our family and who always sees the bright side. Someone who doesn't get down about autism and only sees the good in all situations. Someone who loves me for who I am and puts up with me whatever mood I'm in. And one person in particular who I couldn't survive without - my mum. Who is there practically on call 24/7 and who loves my two babies just as much as me. And for all the people that autism has brought into my life, some wonderful friends who I could never live without. Who just get it because they live the same life as me. And for all my old friends who I know understand why I maybe have become distant, that it's just the journey I am on and even though I have maybe drifted away from them I know it's ok because like the stars in the daytime, I know they are still there.
So I carry on with my journey. Helping my son to make sense of the world. And me, 6 years on, still trying to make sense of all of this. Accepting that our lives are different to what we thought they would be. And hoping for some love and understanding along the way. And if you ask me how I am, I will smile and say I'm fine because really I am. And I will carry on being fine and living with the exquisite pain that comes from raising a child with autism.
