Then there were 2

When you are growing up you have several ideas of how your life will be when you are older. What job you will have; what age you will get married; how many children you will have. For me, I always thought 2 children would be nice. A nice even number. A family of 4. When L came along, I couldn't believe how much hard work a baby actually was. There really was no let up! The sleep deprivation was awful. Most of the time I could actually fall asleep standing up then whenever I actually got the chance to sleep I just could never seem to nod off. I struggled to switch off from L and was forever checking him during the night to make sure he was ok. I remember one night being woken up by the alarm which was connected to L's baby monitor - a monitor that picked up every movement including a heartbeat and sounded an alarm if there was no movement for a period of time. I've never moved so fast as I flew into L's bedroom terrified of what I might find. There he was, tucked up in the very top corner of his cot - too far away from the monitor for it to pick up any motion. I aged ten years that night and the monitors got packed away after that.

When I realised L had autism, it made me question whether or not to have another baby. Life just wasn't simple anymore and we had so many things to consider when it came to expanding our family. If you have a child with autism, any siblings have up to an 18% chance of also being born with the condition. That really scared me and I just didn't know if I could go through it all again. I felt in my mind that L was here, he was my priority and I should dedicate all of my time to him - another child would take me away from him to a degree and he needed me. And if another child was on the spectrum then that would leave me even less time to spend with L. I couldn't do that to him. I also worried if another child was more 'typically developing' how would they feel growing up with a brother with autism? A black and white decision of will we or won't we was suddenly full of doubt and worry. But my gut feeling was I had to focus on L so my mind was made up. L would be an only child and I would devote all of my time to him, raising him to the best of my ability so he could grow into the finest young man possible.

I was happy with my decision and when people asked the inevitable question of whether there would be any more children, I said I didn't think so and left it at that. But over time something just didn't feel right. My family felt incomplete. I remember looking at a holiday picture of the 3 of us and thinking that something or someone was missing. The thought of never carrying another baby or holding my newborn in my arms again made my heart ache and I started to feel really sad about it. My main worry was having two children with autism. I was handling one but could I handle 2?

Then one day, while watching L playing in our back garden I had this light bulb moment. A sibling wouldn't take anything away from L - it would do the complete opposite. A sibling would enhance his life. He needed a sibling. A live-in playmate for him. Someone bonded by blood who would always be in his corner. And if that child had autism? So what. I was already in Holland with one child, so would it be so bad if it was with 2? The more the merrier. I talked it over with S and he agreed. He said one of the nicest things I've ever head him say - that he didn't care if anymore children had autism because L was awesome just as he was. So it was decided. We would have another baby and in May this year little R joined the family. A little sister for L. I'm delighted that I had a change of heart and having R was one of the best decisions I've ever made. She is amazing and fits right in to all of our lives. Finally, our family is complete.