Another Year Over

Christmas Eve is such a magical day. The anticipation of Christmas Day and what it will bring is so very exciting for children and adults alike. Sprinkling reindeer dust, leaving out cookies/milk/alcohol/carrots (delete as appropriate!) for Santa and his Reindeer, watching the night sky for a glimpse of his sleigh and snuggling under the duvet knowing that it's finally only one more sleep is just all part and parcel of childhood. But most children with autism don't share the excitement that other kids do. They aren't fussed about going to see Santa, they don't care about presents, in fact the whole day can be very stressful for children with autism. Having too many people around, in their faces, making too much noise, being out of routine - these things can be very overwhelming for a child on the spectrum and meltdowns can occur because of this making the whole day upsetting for everyone involved. L's senses don't ever seem to get too overwhelmed in these circumstances but I was on high alert during the day, making sure I kept a close eye on him and luckily he was fine and coped well during a very busy day. He has been a bit out of sorts the last few days and I think the festivities and him being out of his normal routine is taking its toll a bit so my mum suggested taking him out today while she looked after R, so me and L got the train into town which was an absolute treat for him. We wandered around the toy shop, played on the escalators (a bit of an obsession with L) and had a McDonalds lunch before getting the train back. It was lovely to spend some quality time together.

Things with L are pretty much on an even keel at the minute. With his school place now sorted things are going well and I'm not expecting any surprises. The focus of my worry has now switched to R and waiting to go to her next appointment. I can't shake the horrible anxiety that what we initially thought was a squint in her eye is potentially something a lot more serious. The mere thought of what it could be makes me feel horribly sick to my stomach and I'm trying to stay in a positive frame of mind but the anxiety continually creeps in. It certainly puts autism back in perspective, as upsetting as it was at the time, autism isn't life threatening. I knew there was a chance R would also have autism but it never really entered my mind there may be anything else we would have to deal with.  I feel like I seem to spend my time waiting and worrying about my children and sometimes it is so exhausting. I often wonder what other people worry about, and how lovely it must be to not be stressing over these things. It does grate on me when people complain and moan about the most trivial things. I want to scream at them that they don't know how lucky they are, but I don't of course. Who gets to decide whose problems are worse than someone else's? Unless you have walked in someone else's shoes then you can never know just how they are feeling. Everyone has stress in their lives. But as we come to the end of another year, try and stop and take notice of what you have in
your life, count each and every one of your blessings because you never know when things can
suddenly be turned upside down and how your life can change in an instant. Next time you want to moan, just smile instead. And before you go to bed tonight give your babies a kiss and be thankful you have them because a lot of people would give their right arms to have what you have.

And of course have a lovely 2014!

Good News and Bad

We found out yesterday where L has been given a specialised school place and we were delighted to hear it was where we had asked for. I decided very early on in L's life that I would keep him in mainstream wherever I could. I believe children with autism need to be around their typical peers as much as possible and separating them isn't the answer. Of course autism is a spectrum and there are varying levels of difficulty with it and some children with autism would simply not cope in a mainstream environment. Despite L's lack of social skills he does enjoy being around other children but lacks the instinctive nature or know-how to make friends. We applied for a relatively local mainstream primary school which has an autism unit and L will start there in August next year. School is such a huge part of a child's life and while I'm a little nervous about our decision, I know it's the right one.

My mind has been very preoccupied with other things recently. R has been attending the hospital for a squint in her eyes and at her appointment last week the doctor was concerned there may be more to it and is sending her for further tests. Among other things, they want to check her brain to make sure there is nothing nasty in there. He did say most cases where congenital but as her mum, I now have this horrible black cloud over me where I just need to know she is alright. I remember the worry I felt when I realised L had autism but this is taking things to a whole new level. All of a sudden autism pales massively into significance. The appointment itself was pretty brutal. Two hours where R was very patient and as good as gold, but as she kept trying to grab the torch while her eyes were being checked, it was decided it would be best to clamp her eyes open so the doctor could see them properly. She was swaddled in a blanket and held down on a table while metal clamps were inserted in her eyes. It was over in a couple of minutes but watching her cry when there was nothing I could do was incredibly painful and I cried myself on and off for the rest of the day.

I feel pretty drained at the minute and not quite sure how much more my emotions can take but since Christmas is only a week away I'm holding it together for the sake of an excited 4 year old. R's next appointment is already in for next month and I'm hoping for some good news so I can shift some of this anxiety. My baby girl has to be ok. There is simply no alternative.

What Causes Autism

The subject of what causes autism is a highly controversial one. One thing I have learned on our journey is that everyone and their dog has an opinion on this. But of course opinions are merely that - opinions and not facts. When you realise there is something wrong with your child your first thought goes back to your pregnancy, or at least mine did. Did I do something wrong? Did I take something I shouldn't have? A lot of women don't realise they are pregnant yet in those very first weeks when so many vital things are happening in your embryo's development. Did I take something then? I remember having a rotten cold and taking different painkillers. Was it that? Did they cause my sons brain to develop differently? Your mind goes round in circles as you beat yourself up.  The frustrating truth is, myself along with most parents will never know the cause of their child's autism, because even scientists and medical professionals still can't find a certain cause of it. So it will continue to haunt us unless we ever find out for sure.

The original cause of autism was thought to be down to bad parenting. The phrase 'refrigerator mothers' was made, suggesting mothers who were so cold towards their babies that their brains failed to develop appropriately. Thankfully, that theory was thrown out long ago.  Of course in some cases autism is genetic. If autism is in your family, your chance of having a child with autism will increase. Just the same as us knowing this before we had a second child as our risk was also increased.  But the frightening and controversial topic centres around vaccines and the man in the midst of it all - former Dr Andrew Wakefield. His original study alleged that the MMR vaccine caused intestinal problems which then led on to regressive autism. This study was widely discredited and stripped him of his medical licence - as you will hear many pro-vaccine parents shout at the mere mention of autism and the MMR - but there has been many studies since (which strangely no one hears about) linking infants immature immune systems being overloaded with vaccine ingredients such as mercury, aluminium, MSG, formaldehyde etc and causing irreparable damage. There is a vaccine damaged children fund for families claiming compensation and there has been rulings in courtrooms that children have been left brain damaged and with conditions such as autism following vaccinations. Medical professionals continue to refute these claims but there is a massive community of parents who saw very real changes in their children after being vaccinated.  The medical world says it's merely a coincidence but for me there are too many coincidences. I just want to add here that I'm not saying that I think vaccines caused L's autism, but with so much uncertainty surrounding the subject, I don't think they can be ruled out either. 

It's because of all this that we have declined to vaccinate R and we are 100% confident in our decision. She is 6 months old and has never had a needle anywhere near her. We also opted out of the vitamin K injection at birth. I believe vaccines are safe for most children but I'm pretty sure they are not safe for all. And after doing a lot of research I also don't believe they are even effective. When infections are injected into the body, your immune system doesn't recognise it properly. This was mentioned by the World Health Organisation in their report titled "Immunisation, Vaccines and Biologicals". They reported that children under age 2 do not consistently develop immunity following vaccination" so really many vaccines are completely ineffective. Also, in the book How to raise a healthy child in spite of your Doctor, the author Dr Robert Mendelsohn MD showed that people who received the MMR were 14 times more likely to contract mumps than people who hadn't received the jag. Interesting. To add to this, the makers of the Tripedia vaccine for DTaP (diphtheria, pertussis & tetanus) state some of these reactions to their vaccine:

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

Anaphylactic Reaction

Autism

Convulsions 

Brain Dysfunction

Nerve Damage

So I'm sure after reading this people will understand why we haven't and will not vaccinate R. My only regret in life is that I didn't do the research prior to L being vaccinated and I will be eternally sorry for that. Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have. We will never know. But we are choosing to let R build some natural immunity and of course that comes with its own risks but we are happy with our decision and that's all we can ask for right now.