Things have been ticking along with not much happening at the minute. L has still been suffering with catching a sickness bug again and unfortunately passed it on to R and S so there have been a lot of sleepless nights while everyone has been under the weather. Miraculously, I seem to have escaped it although I have felt on the verge of it several times but I'm not sure if I've been feeling ill or just insanely tired! We haven't been out much because of it and while the 3 invalids have been in their sick beds I have been chilling out and spending some time online. I am a member of a few online autism groups and it's a good way for parents to share tips and stories and have a moan if necessary to an audience who understands.
Whilst on the forum recently, someone asked the question; if someone could take your child's autism away would you accept? And then they answered their own question by saying no way because they love their child just the way they are. Very quickly many parents were echoing this sentiment. All saying the same thing. You could almost hear the sound of their fists banging on their chests as they shouted that they would never take a cure for their child's autism. It didn't matter to them and they loved their children regardless. I read through the many replies and felt a bit of a knot appear in my stomach. I felt uncomfortable reading the words in front of me because I knew if I was really honest I didn't share their thoughts. I was undecided if I should reply and go against the grain of what was being said but I believe in staying true to yourself and speaking your mind when necessary so I typed my reply. I stated that yes I would accept - I would take away L's autism. In a heartbeat.
Does that make me a bad person? A bad mother?
You see for me, it has nothing to do with love. We all love our children. It's embedded in us from the second we get a positive result on a pregnancy test. We already love this group of cells multiplying ferociously into something that will become our baby. And that love grows deeper and deeper until your baby is born and it continues to grow every day after. It doesn't stop when you find out your child isn't developing in a typical way. It doesn't switch off when you find out your child has a disability. And autism is a disability. You can dress it up whichever way you want but it is still a disability. And what mother wouldn't take away their child's disability if they could? If your child was in a wheelchair and would never walk and someone said I can fix this - I can make them walk. Would you say "No thanks, I love them just the way they are".
You see my point?
I love L. This goes without saying but if I could wave a magic wand and take autism away, I would. L is 4 years old. He has no idea he has autism but at some point probably in the not too distant future L will start to realise that he is different and I don't know what that will be like for him or what that will feel like. S said recently that in a few years you won't be able to tell that L has autism. This statement makes me sad. As if L's autism should be hidden - as if he can't be himself. I don't want him to ever feel like that. I don't want him to think he can't be himself and he has to hide his autism and who he is.
I read a lot of blogs and I read one a while ago about a mother with twin boys - one on the spectrum and one not. One day at the park, the boy with autism was watching his sibling run around with a friend. They were tickling each other and in amongst the laughter the boy shouted "stop, get off". His brother with autism jumped from the park bench and ran to his brothers aid. He pushed his friend over and sat on his chest, pinning him to the ground. The mother who was watching horrified, ran over and asked her son what he was doing. He replied "he was telling him to stop and he wouldn't". People with autism take things literally and don't always understand facial expressions or tones of voice. Her son with autism couldn't see how much fun the boys were having from the smiles on their faces or the squeals of delight in their voices. He only heard the words and interpreted them literally.
Can you imagine trying to navigate through the world this way? Trying to understand the social rules that are so easy for so many of us? Would I take this away from L if I could and make his life a million times easier? Would you, if it were your child?
All of this of course is hypothetical. There is no cure for autism and most adults with autism claim they wouldn't take a cure anyway because they are happy just as they are. Part of me wonders if this is because they don't know any different than the life they have. My view on this may also change as L grows older, but I don't see why it would. If I could do anything to make his life easier in any way then I would.
And to reiterate - it has nothing to do with how I feel about L. I love him for exactly who he is - autism and all. And that is something that will never change.
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