Time out

I haven't been feeling great recently and I'm wondering if everything is finally getting on top of me. I've had varying symptoms including headaches and palpitations as well as nausea and anxiety. I wonder how much a human brain and mind can take before it buckles under the pressure. R had her neurology appointment with the paediatrician and she agreed with R's consultant that an MRI scan would be the next stage which requires R to be sedated which I'm not looking forward to but needs must I suppose. At this stage we have every reason to remain positive but I just feel a bit fed up with it all at the moment and probably a bit sorry for myself and then I feel bad for feeling that way because I know a lot of parents are going through a lot more with their babies and children. I'm sure there is a life lesson in all of this somewhere. I'm just not sure what it is yet.

L has been ill over the last few days with a high temperature and vomiting but he seems to be over the worst of it now. He has also been up and down recently and is still upset with the taxi bringing him home. Every night is becoming a bit stressful with the crying starting as soon as he gets out of the taxi and continuing for up to an hour, sometimes longer. Nursery have said to ride it out and he will soon get used to the taxi routine again but this just angers me because he was used to it until the taxi started messing things around. S and I hate seeing him so miserable and it's starting to take its toll on the household so I have decided to pick him up from now on. I just want my happy little boy back and I'm sure this will make a big difference to L and as I've mentioned before, when L is happy mummy is happy.

I've noticed changes in the way L speaks recently. He normally refers to himself in the third person so he would say "L wants a drink" etc but more recently he has been saying "I want" etc and using "I" instead of his name. It's very common for children with autism to refer to their self  in the third person so for L to be moving on from this is a big step for him in terms of speaking and understanding language. He has also started calling me by my first name which is quite surreal! He doesn't do it all the time but switches from my name to mummy which I don't really like to be honest! I'm trying not to draw much attention to it because I've definitely found with L the more you try to get him to stop something, the more he does it so I'm hoping it's a phase that will pass by.  He is incredibly stubborn, sometimes to a worrying degree (I have saw him throw toys in the bin rather than do something he didn't want to) so I feel if I consciously ask him not to do it, he will just do it all the more. His conversation skills are also getting better and as I watched him and his gran together recently I was actually surprised with how well he was conversing with her. I think sometimes I don't notice a lot of the subtle changes in him as he grows since I am around him all the time and sometimes when I take a step back I can see just how much all the extra input at nursery is paying off.

In other news this week, the hubster and I are going away for dinner and an overnight stay at a nice hotel. I'm really looking forward to it as I need to just relax for a while and as much as I adore my 2 babies and the anxiety is already creeping in with the thought of leaving them, I need to just have a little window of time to just be me and enjoy some much needed quality time with my other half. It's important for any parent to be able to have some time out once in a while and when the stats say that 80% of parents to children with autism will divorce then I think it's even more important for S and I to make time for each other. Relationships and marriages don't just happen. They don't flourish by magic. They take work and effort and commitment from both sides. And luckily for us, our children have wonderful grandparents on both sides who are willing to step in when we need to step out. Without them any time out would be impossible and I don't think I ever thank them enough for what they do for us - especially my mum.

Thanks mum. You are amazing.