What not to say

I have been looking through a lot of R's baby photos recently and it made me feel a bit nostalgic and I got out one of L's baby albums to flick through. Looking at his gorgeous smile and his eyes shining at the camera you would never know this was a baby who was going to grow into a child with autism. Sometimes it's very confusing and I can't quite see how it happened. When I look at a picture of him on my knee and him copying me while I stick my tongue out at the camera, it doesn't make sense that this baby in the picture has autism. For quite a long time, I couldn't actually look at L's baby pictures. It's hard to explain but it was painful to look at them. The pictures were of a time before autism hit us and the biggest worry I had was whether or not I was going to get a full nights sleep. They were of a much happier and carefree time.

It's been a strange journey with regards to how people react to L's autism. For some people it's almost a bit of a taboo subject. They will talk about anything but autism and will keep the conversation going so the 'A' word never gets a chance to creep in. What some people fail to understand is that my children are the biggest part of my life and autism is part of all of our lives through L and I would rather people acknowledged that than awkwardly skip past the subject. I would never be embarrassed or offended by someone showing an interest - after all, talking about autism and spreading awareness is only a good thing. If I was speaking to a friend I would always ask after their children. It's common courtesy if nothing else.

Some people try and give advice which can be hugely irritating when it becomes clear within 5 seconds that they know as much about autism as I know about quantum physics (which is zilch by the way). Parents have an almost uncontrollable urge to give advice to other parents, they just can't help themselves. I'm a dignified person and have smiled through gritted teeth while I've listened to people telling me that L just needs a 'firmer hand'. I've learned to just shake these little nuggets of parenting advice off while at the same time imagining slapping the person in the face.

And there are always people who don't really know what to say so throw cliches at you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and What's for you won't go by you. The religious amongst us say things like "it's all part of Gods plan" and "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".  These ones make me laugh the most as I don't believe in God so when people start throwing that at me it does get my back up. Was the Holocaust part of Gods plan? I know these people mean well and it's more because they don't know what to say but that's the thing - it's ok to not know what to say sometimes.

Probably the worst is the sympathy responses. People who tell me they're sorry etc. Here's a thought - don't be sorry! Of course I know people mean well and they just don't know what to say but there is no sympathy required unless there is a corpse present. Sorry is insulting. So if you are tempted to give someone in my position some pity, just don't. I doubt it would be well received. Give them understanding instead. And most of all just be a friend - to me and my son - and I promise I will do the same for you.